Strengthening Your Core: A Teleclass For Women

I'm excited to announce that in response to many requests from past participants, I will again be offering the 6 week tele-class for women on transforming their relationships, “Strengthening Your Core.”
 
Throughout the years I've worked with hundreds of women who were less than satisfied in their relationships. Most of these women knew they wanted more yet felt clueless about how to change it. After working with so many women who wanted to create stronger relationships, I decided to get a group of women together to work on strengthening their core.  

This class is for all women, single, married, divorced, separated or dating, who would like to transform their lives by transforming their relationships. It's for those women who:

•    Want to make a good relationship better
•    Want to do all they can to fix a broken relationship without selling their souls in the process
•    Want to learn to step in and effectively use their voice, make requests when they want to and set limits when they have to
•    Want to learn to step in with a new kind of strength that is grounded, calm and powerful

This class is for any woman who would like to enhance her relationships everywhere in her life: at work, with children, in friendships and/or in romantic relationships.

*  Read what one past participant had to say about her experience of the tele-class: 
 

Dear Lisa,

“Two years ago I was struggling in my marriage with a husband who had stopped drinking 2 years earlier but had never addressed the causes behind his addiction. My health had once again begun to suffer from the stress of living—and enabling—a dry drunk. I chose to move out of our home and we began counseling. After 6 months, without any sign of change, I told my husband I wanted to divorce.
 

Over the next eight months we used a mediator and our divorce was finalized a week before your class began. 
 

I am so glad I signed up. 
 

With the help of your program, the self-doubt, anxious second guessing and over all guilt I felt from leaving my marriage began to lift as you reinforced the basic, fundamental requirements of having someone in your inner circle. With that came the realization of how much I had enabled my husband to treat me poorly, all in the hope that things would improve.
 

Today, even as I still struggle through the aftermath of a failed marriage, I am at peace with my decision because of the clear insight I gained through your class. That everyone—me included—deserves a relationship built on trust, kindness, respect, companionship and love.
 

Thank you for the clarity. Thank you for the clear description of what a real, loving relationship looks like. Your class offered an open forum, almost a support group, of women who were caring, frank, and honest about their own struggles. I have grown from the experience.”
 

Sincerely - Janet 
 

I welcome all women interested in transforming their lives by transforming their relationships to join this class.  I look forward to taking this journey with you and starting a ripple effect of change across the world one relationship at a time!  

What does it cost?

*  Early bird registration is $179.00 if payment is received on or before April 5th, increasing to $199.00 thereafter 

*   When and where it's happening:
•    Wednesdays: 12noon Eastern – 12:00-1:15 pm EST
•    When: April 25th, May 2nd, 9th, 16th, 23rd and 30th
•    Where:  Any place where you can get comfortable, be real and have a phone.

* Seats are limited so hurry and sign up now!

All calls will be recorded although your presence on the call will make for a richer experience.  Any woman who would like to learn the skills necessary to build relationships that fuel them are welcome to join the tele-class.  

For more information click on this link:
 http://lmerlobooth.typepad.com/straighttalk/relationship-teleclasses.html

I hope to "see" you on the call. 

Warm regards-Lisa

 

In The Name Of God

I am struck by the things people say and do, “in the name of God.”  In a May 13 sermon to his congregation, Pastor Charles L. Worley, of Providence Road Baptist Church in Maiden, N.C., said, "I figured a way to get rid of all the lesbians and queers.  Build a great big, large fence – 50 or a 100 miles long – and put all the lesbians in there.  Fly over and drop some food.  Do the same thing with the queers and the homosexuals, and have that fence electrified so they can't get out.  Feed them.  And you know in a few years, they'll die out.  You know why?  They can't reproduce." http://tinyurl.com/cp6q683

The irony of a pastor preaching to his congregation about the “sin” of homosexuality by advocating imprisoning homosexuals within an electrified fence until they die is so outrageous it’s almost comical.  It’s not comical though; it’s toxic and dangerous.  Similarly, the irony of people vehemently fighting to stop abortions because it’s “murder” only to condone killing the doctors who are providing abortions is also so absurd as to almost be comical…except it’s not—it’s also dangerous.

I see this type of extreme communication throughout my work with both couples and individuals.  In an effort to be heard, far too many people go to the extremes.  Countless people and organizations think that if they believe strongly enough about something, they have the right to get that point across in any manner necessary -- even if it means encouraging hate and murder.  Too many people also believe that the poor behavior of someone else is a green light for their own poor behavior.  Both these ideas are dangerous.  The strength of one’s convictions does not give anyone the right to boldly blast others, condemn others or harm others.  A pastor, of all people, should know this, preach this and live this.

The Assumptions We Make And How They Hurt Us

People make assumptions about other people all the time.  We assume we know what others are really thinking, why they’re doing what they’re doing and what they really mean rather than taking them at their word.  The problem with making assumptions about why others are doing what they’re doing is that we almost always assume the negative.  If we get triggered by someone’s actions, nine times out of ten we will assume the worst of intentions on the other person’s part.  Seldom do we assume positive intentions.

Too often we jump to a conclusion that is not only wrong, but is also often hurtful.  For example, if our children are not responding to us, we quickly assume they’re rude and disrespectful.  If our partner is quiet and sullen, we assume they’re mad at us and don’t want to talk.  A parent can give us feedback and we assume it’s because all they see is the negative in us. 

In everyday life we make assumptions all the time about other people.  Although there may be times when our assumptions are correct, the reality is more often that they are incorrect…and strongly negatively slanted.  For example, my friend Steve told me about a time when his child was gushing blood from a head wound and needed to get to the hospital fast.  Steve got his son in the car and went as fast as he could to the hospital. On the way, he had to pass a slow-moving car.  The driver of the slow car proceeded to honk, give my friend the finger and yell a few choice words at Steve.  Steve felt bad that the guy was so mad and wished he could tell him why he had to move past him.  I remember thinking at the time about all the cars I’ve been annoyed with, that I assumed were just obnoxious people driving selfishly…hmmm.  While I’m sure not all of them were driving a loved one to the hospital, I’m also not sure how many were caught in a bad day, were afraid of losing their jobs, just found out their partner was having an affair and on and on.

Women And Friendship: Are Your Friendships Dragging You Down?

There is nothing like having a close friend you can count on to help you through life’s crazy journey.  Friends can be there to comfort and support you, cheer you on, wake you up, warn you, guide you and just be present with you.  Friends can also, however, do the opposite. 

Friendships, like any other close relationship in your life, should pull you up rather than drag you down.  Although many women are pulling one another up, there are also a number of women who are not.  It’s important to know the difference between the friends who are pulling you up versus those who are dragging you down.  Below are five signs that your friends are dragging you down and are not the healthy supports you need in your life. 
1.    They give you harmful advice.  If your friends are telling you to get drunk, sleep around, get revenge, etc., they’re dragging you down.  Often this kind of advice comes from women who are also partying, etc., and they don’t want to feel bad about themselves or what they’re doing.  If they can get you to do the same, they won’t have to look at their own stuff.  If your friends are out partying a lot, sleeping around, etc., chances are they’re running from something that they don’t want to look at.  Getting you to join them helps with their denial.  Stop joining them and instead open your eyes.
2.    They tell you what they think you want to hear.  Friends should be a safe place to get honest feedback.  If your friends are constantly “yessing” you to keep you happy, they’re not helping.  It’s not helpful for our friends to always take our side even when they know we are off.  True feedback is a gift and when friends are courageous enough to give you honest feedback in a compassionate way, that is a courageous and loving act.  Telling you what you want to hear is not.

Sometimes You Have To Yell To Be Heard

Sometimes You Have To Yell—Don’t You?
Below is an excerpt from a recent a note I received from a woman:
“…If I remain calm and peaceful he takes it as a sign that he can walk all over me. Us women are so conditioned to take it all with a calm and sweet smile. What kind of world have we created for our daughters and us? Women in general are still dealing with a lot of oppression and inequality in our society. I do not know one woman that has not suffered from it in one way or another-- being bullied at home, on the street, at work, at school, a man controlling, belittling, not regarding women as equal, but something to dominate and manipulate. You are very fortunate if your husband does not take advantage of your calm composure. Many of us will only have to endure more laughing in our face and more oppression if we do not stand up, rock the boat and claim or human rights, whispering or screaming, ‘Enough! I can’t take this any more.’”

In my work with women over the years I have heard this sentiment over and over again.  In fact, I see this sentiment play out all over the world with both men and women.  In general, when people get angry they either bully through people with their anger or duck in the face of anger.  Some people duck then bully.  The end result is people behaving in the extremes.  Behaving in the extremes, though, is not helping us.  When we bully, we’re being abusive and when we’re ducking we’re allowing ourselves to be abused.  Neither of these responses is okay or effective.

It is true that women do indeed need to rock the boat.  It is also true that women continue to this day to be bullied, gawked at, controlled, belittled and treated as anything but equals by far too many people in the world.  It is not true, however, that women yelling about it is going to change anything.  In my work with women and couples, I see far too many women doing nothing but yelling…and it is NOT working.  If women scream and yell that they can’t take it anymore -- and then they stay there and take it -- their words mean nothing. 

What’s Required From the Betraying Partner In Order To Heal From An Affair?

Over the years I have worked with hundreds of couples impacted by affairs and have found that there are 5 components that are necessary in the healing process.  Without one of these components, the odds of healing are greatly reduced.   Although many couples would love to simply forget about the affair and move on, in my experience this seldom if ever works:  “That which we don’t look at, is destined to repeat itself”.  Wanting to move past an affair is particularly tempting for the partner who did the betrayal and is by far the worst move that person can do.

If you’re serious about healing from an affair, then hunker down and do the work that is necessary to build a solid foundation—otherwise move on and save yourself and your partner years of pain.

Hunkering down means you get serious about the healing and incorporate the following 5 components into your repair work with your partner:
1.    Be remorseful. True remorse is a prerequisite for healing from an affair.  The betraying partner has to genuinely be sorry for his/her decision to have an affair and directly state this to their partner with no if’s, ands or buts added to the apology.  Remorse shows up not only in the words you speak but the energy in which you speak them and in the actions you take that backs those words up.
2.    Be accountable.  If you had an affair, do not blame your actions on your partner, your marriage or your affair partner.  Be accountable for your choice to cheat. Own your actions 100% and do not excuse them.  If your marriage was bad, you had the right to fix it, set limits on it, get professional help, separate or to leave; you did not have the right to break a commitment and cheat.

Stop Taking Things So Personally; Sometimes It’s Just Not About You

One of the most freeing things in life is the ability to not take things so personally.  It is also one of the most difficult things to do.  People get reactive all the time to things that have nothing or very little to do with them.  People also give meaning to something that was said that simply isn’t there.  Below are several examples of what I mean:
•    Sam’s boss told him to be certain his project report was free of mistakes.  Sam’s internal response to that statement was to get angry and think, “Why the hell did she tell me that?  Does she think I’m stupid?”
•    Sarah’s husband said he wanted to make sure they did something special for their son’s birthday.  Sarah found that comment to be insulting and thought to herself, “What kind of mother does he think I am?!”
•    When Karen had to cancel her plans with her friend because she was sick, her friend questioned her honesty, asking if she was really sick or just didn’t feel like going out.  Karen was offended that her friend would even think that.  What the hell!  Does her friend think she’s a liar?

In all these examples the people are taking something personally that is not personal at all.  Too often we forget that the people in our lives come with their own experiences, traumas and histories. We also forget that these histories impact how they interpret things, what they fear and how they respond to people in their lives.  This is true for us as well.
Going through the above scenarios for example, each one has a background story impacting the interaction.

How to Have Better Sex; What the Expert Said

NOTE:  I found this article on the internet and knew it would be so helpful for many of my readers. Enjoy!

This post was written by: Dating Coach Marni Battista 

It was a very interesting tele-class last night in which  Chyrstal Bougon, Founder of Blissconnection.com, revealed practical tips and techniques to have better sex with your partner.  You can download the link now to listen to the class, but I want to write today to express this: While the places to touch, kiss and lick your partner are VERY important, one of the most important lessons we discussed on this call is the importance of communication.

To begin, “The Rule of 60—Days, That Is,” (One of the Dating With Dignity Foundation Principles which suggests that you wait at least 60 days until you have intercourse with someone whom you want to build a long-term relationship), requires that a couple discuss sex  as things naturally progress on the way to a possible exclusive relationship.  I received several questions from listeners with questions regarding this very topic; is it, in fact, ok to tell someone you want to wait to have sex?  Or, conversely, do you “play coy,” as one listener asked, hoping to put off a direct conversation in lieu of hoping for a quick get-away at the end of each date.

The answer is simple:  Communicate!  Ditch the “cool girl” mentality and state your values confidently.  Be self assured when telling your potential lover that you are not someone who has sex casually, and that when, and if, you do decide to have sex it will be when you feel the relationship meets your expectations.  Here’s a few important guidelines to ensure this conversation effectively communicates your position:

1.  Make sure you have  conversations regarding the decision to have sex vertical AND clothed. Many Dignity Daters have heard me tell the story of Aaron, who was asked by Lucia, a woman he had dated twice, if having sex with him meant he was now “her boyfriend.”  The icing on the cake?  Lucia asked Aaron this question while they were in bed, naked, his expression masked by ecstasy as he hovered just inches above her, moments before he was to “seal the deal.”  His response?  ”Of course,” Aaron whispered, consummating the relationship effortlessly.  Needless to say, Aaron never saw Lucia again.  While Lucia clearly picked an inopportune time to ask Aaron this question, what’s more important to note is that she did have an expectation associated with intercourse.  She didn’t communicate this expectation.  Ever.  Make sure  you discuss sex, your expectations, and your relationship goals.  And yes, make sure you are wearing clothes.
2.  Be direct. There is no time in a relationship to play games, withhold sex as an expression of your power, or manipulate your partner in regards to the decision.  Instead, communicate why it is important for you to wait.  In addition, be clear that while you do not want to have intercourse until you have a commitment (if this is your relationship goal), ensure your partner that you are open to exploring other possibilities for sexual gratification as the relationship progresses.  Making these choices is done together, further providing opportunities to communicate with one another.
3.  Find new ways to make him hot! As you “Data-Date” (collect new data about the person as you get to know them) create opportunities to have fun together.  Flirt.  Explore  ways to be sexy, sensual and passionate.  Kiss often!   Hold hands, exploring the small spaces between his  fingers, investigate the place where the base of her hair meets her neck.  Notice his eyes.  Relish the moments together, enjoying this process of slowly beginning to know someone in an intimate way.

Remember this — Live a life of purpose, passion and self awareness as you date with dignity.  Each moment describes who you are, and gives you the opportunity to decide if that’s who you want to be.

Link to article: http://tinyurl.com/y92jpqg

Finding Your GPS (Grounded Powerful Strength): Stop Behaving In The Extremes

In our world today, very few people have mastered the art of standing up for themselves.  After working with hundreds, if not thousands, of people over the years, I’ve found that people typically land in one of three groupings when it comes to having difficult conversations or handling difficult situations:
1.    The “take no sh*t” group.  This is the group of people who will quickly react in anger to hurtful behavior or issues of disagreement.  If someone speaks to them disrespectfully, this group often will quickly shut that person down, fight back, get defensive, yell, scream or intensely storm out.  
2.    The “create no waves” group.  This group tries to do whatever is necessary to keep things calm.  They can duck, walk on eggshells, placate, make empty promises, silence or try to appease others.
3.    The "teapot” group.  This group slowly simmers by silencing, placating and letting things go for a period of time, only to later escalate and blow up.

As you can imagine, none of these approaches is effective.  Too many people work in the extremes—either silencing and placating or snapping and bullying.  As a result, people either overshoot or undershoot in their responses to upset.  Too few people actually step in with a Grounded Powerful Strength (GPS). 

A Grounded Powerful Strength is calm, strong AND relational. The bottom-line rule in a GPS is DO NO HARM.  Regardless of how angry you are or someone else is, neither you nor the other person has the right to be verbally, emotionally or physically abusive.  Yelling, screaming and calling names are abusive—to others.  Allowing others to yell, scream and treat you poorly is abusive—to you.

Is Avoiding Conflict Really Helping You? The Cost Of Ducking

Many people struggle with conflict.  Some bully their way through conflict, while others duck to avoid conflict at all cost.  Although there have been tons of information about the pitfalls of bullying and rage on relationships, often people forget about the pitfalls of ducking from hard issues.  They frequently believe that because ducking avoids a fight, it’s a healthy choice to make in response to conflict.  They couldn’t be further from the truth. 

Contrary to popular belief, ducking is anything but a good response to conflict in relationships.  Ducking can take on many different forms and is an equal opportunity response to conflict -- both men and women duck.  People can duck by getting silent and refusing to speak about an issue.  They can duck by becoming passive-aggressive and indirectly complaining without ever directly addressing the issue.  They can change the subject, shut the conversation down, placate, over-accommodate or pretend they’re okay with an issue only to later complain about it under their breath.  They can lie and say everything is fine, smile instead of frown and pretend rather than be real.  The truth is, there are probably countless ways to duck when it comes to conflict.  Not surprisingly, however, regardless of which approach we use, ducking is not helpful

.

The Ties That Bind Us

In my work with women throughout the years, I’ve found many beliefs that keep women down.  Some of these beliefs have come from our up-bringing, some have come from our culture and some have come from our own internal processes.  Until women begin to look at these beliefs and truly challenge them, we will likely continue to struggle in far too many relationships in our lives.

Below are the five most common beliefs that I believe wreak havoc in the lives of women today:
1.    Women need to be nice.  From birth, women are constantly told to be “nice.”  We’re told to not hurt anyone’s feelings, put a smile on, make people comfortable, etc.  The problem with this message is that “nice” ends up meaning to sacrifice one’s self for the greater good of everyone else.  Sacrificing ourselves so others feel okay is a crazy notion that is hurting women and our culture at large.  Until women learn to stand up for ourselves, we are destined to pay a heavy price.
2.    Women need a man to feel worthy/okay/complete.  From a young age, the pressure on females to have a boyfriend and, later, a husband is enormous.  For some reason, our world leads us to believe that the attention of males in some way legitimizes the worthiness of females.  This is crazy and dangerous thinking that sets young girls and women up to be abused and taken advantage of in relationships.  Until females are taught to believe in themselves in their own right, we will continue to have far too many crimes against women.  A man does not complete a woman.  She was already complete long before the man came along.  A man (if he’s a good man) simply adds to her life and vice-a-versa.

Women And The Quest For Perfection

As a human being, I am acutely aware that mistakes are a part of life.  I will make mistakes, my friends will make mistakes, my family members will make mistakes, the people who work for me will make mistakes and even my mentors will make mistakes.  This is an inevitable part of life.  As a women, parent, friend, wife, business owner, leader, mentor etc., you need to know that mistakes happen to the best of us…and no one is immune. 

It will serve you well when you can learn to accept this aspect of life rather than getting freaked out by it.

Too many women expect perfection.  Women across the board put an enormous amount of pressure on themselves and their loved ones to reach extremely high goals with few, if any, mistakes along the way.  When a mistake is made or an unrealistic goal isn’t met, women often begin to micro-manage others to ensure additional mistakes are not made.  They hover over their children doing their homework, re-load the dishwasher that was “improperly” loaded or simply take on everything in the house so they can do it “right”. Doing everything right or perfect, of course, is an impossible feat—given that we are all human--resulting in an overstressed mother, a resentful wife and a tense home environment.

In their quest for perfection, women may become harsher and more critical in response to mistakes.  Not surprisingly, this reaction creates more mistakes because children become disempowered, nervous and afraid of their mom’s reactions.  Ironically, the woman’s attempt to minimize mistakes simply makes them grow exponentially with each of her punitive responses.

In life it will serve not only you, but also those around you as well to learn to accept that we are each imperfect.  Imperfection is one of the inevitable aspects of our humanity.  There is nothing we can do to change this reality.  No matter how hard you, as a woman, try, your children try or your partner tries…mistakes will happen.  You will make mistakes and so will those around you. 

Know that mistakes are not the problem.  The problem is their aftermath -- people defending, rationalizing or passing off their mistakes onto someone else.  Mistakes are often your greatest learning opportunity.  Instead of shaming your children for making mistakes—teach them to learn from them. Instead of assuming your way to load the dishwasher is the only right way—try making room for the “right” way of others. 

Breathe.  Relax.  Let go.

Stop demanding perfection.  Perfection is an impossible feat for you, your family or any human being on this planet.  See mistakes as learning opportunities rather than proof of incompetency, laziness or stupidity.  If the same person is making the same mistakes again and again—then worry.  Until then, normalize mistakes, learn from them and allow those around you the space to be imperfect…even if mistakes will be made along the way.

Challenge: As a woman, look at the extraordinary demands you put on yourself and those around you.  Begin to loosen the reigns on both.  The next time you or a loved one makes a mistake…PAUSE…BREATHE…and refuse to shame.  Look at the gift in that mistake and learn from it.

Because You Can Doesn't Mean It’s Okay

Because your employees don't say anything when you grope them--doesn't mean your groping isn't sexual assault.   Your blatant disregard for another person’s body is a tragic abuse of power.

Because you can have an affair and not get caught—doesn’t make having an affair okay. Your affair harms your partner’s soul.

Because your partner is too afraid to leave you -- doesn’t mean it’s okay to treat them with contempt.  Your entitlement is cold and out of line.

Because your wife stays out of desperation, while you continue to cheat -- doesn’t mean your selfishness is okay.  Your cheating is burning your house down.

Because so many other people are “doing it”—doesn’t mean it’s okay to do it.

Because, out of fear, people don’t set limits on your rage -- doesn’t mean you have the right to bully.  Your rage is abusive.

Because you can get away with being mean, critical and controlling—doesn’t mean it’s okay to be mean and controlling.  Your control tells those around you that they’re not enough.

Because others cower to your anger and intimidation—doesn’t make it okay that you instill fear.  Your intimidation breaks relationships and breeds another generation of bullies.

Because your husband is afraid of your outbursts—doesn’t make it okay that you act out of control.  Your reactivity keeps those around you walking on eggshells.

Because your children think you can do no wrong—doesn’t make it okay to act as though you are God.  Your grandiosity shows your children they don’t matter.

Because there’s a saying that “what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”—doesn’t mean that what goes on behind closed doors doesn’t hurt.  Your “free pass” is a false justification that will take its toll on your family and your life.

Too many human beings are behaving in less than humane ways.  We hurt, intimidate, cheat, lie and on and on without taking the time to truly look at the damage these behaviors cause—not only to those around us, but to ourselves, as well.  When we are out of integrity, it impacts our world and us.  Just because we got away with something doesn’t make it okay that we did it.  Just because your spouse never found out about your affair—doesn’t mean it was a harmless act. 

We are what we do...and what we do impacts and influences us.  The more we act without integrity, the more we begin to see ourselves as having no integrity.  Soon it becomes easier and easier to do things we never thought we would do.  Soon we begin to surround ourselves with unprincipled people so we don’t feel so bad...or out of place.  These new people behave without integrity and we, as a group, pull one another down and then condone it so we all feel better. 

Don’t fool yourself.  You are what you do—regardless of how you rationalize, justify or explain it.  If you lie—you’re untrustworthy.  If you cheat—you harm.  If you rage—you instill fear.  The behavior, responses or actions of others do not alter this equation.  Figure out who you want to be in this world and then step behind that vision.  Stop thinking that if others agree, stay silent or simply never find out, your actions are okay.  Deep down you know better than that…we all do.

Challenge: Look at the excuses you make for in-excusable behaviors.  Stop excusing them and start mending them.  Refuse to give yourself the green light to behave out of integrity.  It doesn’t matter whether or not everyone else is doing those behaviors.  If they’re hurtful, stop doing them.  Take the high road and stop excusing poor behavior.

 

Women And Relationships: Cleaning Up The Toxicity

I’m often shocked at the way women can treat one another.  It seems as though we can be one another’s greatest support or worst enemy.  When we like someone, there’s nothing we won’t do for them.  When we don’t like someone—well, it can get very ugly. 

Far too many women can be catty, mean and vindictive if we don’t like a person.  It’s as though we got stuck in our Junior High persona and forgot to mature and grow up.  We talk poorly about how other women dress, how they talk, who they date, how they walk, how they live their lives and on and on. 

Sometimes our cattiness is about our own insecurities; other times we gossip and trash-talk other women as a way of connecting to the women in front of us.  Some of us get vindictive when we feel we’ve been wronged, while others of us are just doing what we know.  Because cattiness is so common, many women are unconscious of the impact of cattiness on others. 

Bad mouthing another person helps us feel better about ourselves in the moment.  When others join us in this, we feel a sense of belonging and perhaps even popularity.  We forget, however, that while we may feel good cutting down someone else, the person we’re cutting down feels like sh*t.  Most of us can look back and remember being on the other side of gossip, cattiness or mean-spirited behavior.  When you’re the one on the receiving end of it, it is anything but connecting or fun—it’s a miserable place to be.

Reasons It’s Vital To Speak Up In Relationships

Too often, too many people stay silent in response to mistreatment or upset.  Regardless of whether the other person is your partner, spouse or friend, speaking up about issues that are bothering you is vital to healthy relationships. 

Below are five reasons why speaking up is so important:

1.    Silence often leads to resentment. When we stay silent about things that bother us, those upsets often turn into resentments.  The more we stifle our upsets, the more resentful we get about the person’s poor treatment of us.  As a result, our anger and upset will often come out sideways (passive-aggressive) or through angry outbursts and blow-ups.
2.    Resentment rots out relationships. Countless unspoken upsets lead to a natural buildup of a wall of resentments.  Eventually too many resentments erode relationships.
3.    Solution is impossible without conversation. If you stay silent about an issue, it makes it impossible to resolve that issue or your negative feelings about it.  You cannot blame other people for not changing their behavior if you haven’t spoken about it to them.

Why Take The High Road?…And By The Way, What Is The High Road Exactly?

Across the world people struggle in difficult conversations, times of upset, painful discoveries etc.  When people become upset or angry they often want to lash out, seek revenge, shut down or explode.  Saying calm, cool and collected as the saying goes, is often the last thing humans want to do when hurt or upset.

Sometimes people lash out for the sole purpose of causing the other person pain so they “get” what it feels like to be hurt.  Other times the lashing out is simply a knee-jerk reaction.  Regardless, though, of why human beings lash out when hurt, I’m sure all of us can understand the pull to want to do so.  After all, who can’t understand the desire to yell, scream and rage at your spouse for having an affair with your best friend? I totally understand wanting to do that and more!

…And, I also know—that freaking out on a spouse because of an affair, or on a friend in response to them saying mean things, or to a co-worker for putting your job in jeopardy—is not going to serve you.  The last thing you want to do is make life harder for yourself by reacting in the extremes.  When you’re able to respond to life’s most difficult circumstances with grace, calm and strength, you will feel better and heal faster.  The bottom-line when it comes to handling life’s most difficult moments is to always remember to take the high road—even when those around you are behaving atrociously.

Below are five reasons to take the high road:
1.     When you respond to hurtful behavior by acting like a crazy person--people will see you as a crazy person.  When you respond with integrity—others begin to look at the other person as though they are the unhealthy one.
2.    When you freak out in response to someone else’s freak out—that person ignores your message and simply thinks, “You think I’m crazy—look at you.”  Your poor behavior gets in the way of them seeing their own poor behavior. 
3.    When you’re able to act with calm and integrity in the face of someone else’s hurtful behavior, it feels empowering, healthy and internally strong.
4.    When you can stay calm in the most difficult of moments, you avoid the “reactivity hangover”.  There’s no shame, self-hatred, regret or embarrassment about what you did.  You can hold your head high and feel good about you.
5.    When you stoop to the other person’s level you are off.  Take the high road knowing that the poor behavior of others is NOT a green light for your own poor behavior.

Taking the high road means to act with integrity at all times—not just the good times, happy times or respectful times.  Harming another physically, spiritually or emotionally is out of integrity—even in response to an affair, lies or manipulations.  Don’t stoop to some else’s level and claim your behavior is okay.  Stay respectful, set limits, take care of yourself and then decide how you’re going to intervene in such a way that you’re respectful of yourself and the humanity of the other person.  Avoid the awful feeling “reactivity hangover” and remember that although seeking revenge or going off on the person may feel great in the moment—that feeling seldom lasts forever.

Challenge:  If you’re struggling with someone else’s hurtful behavior, pull back, breathe, calm your heart rate down and dare to take the high road.  Refuse to act like an out of control raging person.  Settle yourself and respond with calm, strength and grace.  You will feel better for it and can hold your head high under the most difficult of circumstances.